That’s Just How This Dungeon Is*1
Huge. Way too huge. What the hell is with this ridiculously gigantic slime?
It’s literally the size of a normal room, and since it’s packed thick and squishy into the spring, that’s not a spring anymore. It’s just a slime. A plain old slime!
“Waaah, so bouncy…”
“I wonder why it got this big…”
See? Look at those bewildered, helpless faces on Mishisia and Lisas! Well, Mishisia’s actually poking the slime and having fun, though!
Well, yeah. If it’s this big, you’d wanna touch it too. It’s clear, soft, squishy, packed so thickly into the spring it looks like it could nap there for a century—of course you’d touch it.
… So yeah, I touch it too.
“… Whoa.”
Nice. This is really nice. I knew before I even touched it, but damn, this is good…
It feels so good that I can’t help but try climbing on it. Behold, the playful freedom granted only to this grade-schooler body! You can get away with stuff like this when you’re in a kid’s body!
… Well, honestly, even if I were still in my college-student body, I’d probably do the same thing. I mean, come on, it’s a massive slime.
“Wooooow…”
See? You can tell just by lying on it—how comfy it is! Cool, squishy! It gently cradles your whole body in that slow, mellow softness… what a comforting presence! This big-ass slime is basically Edele in slime form!
“Asuma-sama, you’re sinking deeper and deeper! Are you okay—?”
… But yeah, my body’s sinking, so I decide maybe I should get off. Get off…
“I can’t get off…”
“Ah, see? I told you…”
With something this squishy—three meters thick—you can climb up, sure, but getting down? That takes guts, man. It’s three meters! That’s a long drop!
So I figure I’ll just wait for Mishisia and Lisas to rescue me… and then the slime suddenly sinks deeper with a big moyon.
Before I can react, my body’s sucked right into the slime.
“Asuma-sama!?”
I thought I got eaten for a second, but right after—moyon—it spits me right back out the side.
… Yeah.
What is this slime? It’s so handy! So convenient!
Anyway, after playing around with it for a while—
“Still, why did this slime get so huge?”
It’s not like it’s some moving company mascot, you know? Slimes don’t grow big just because they’re hardworking.
“Hmm… slimes are monsters too, right? Maybe if they get too much mana, they grow big?”
Yeah, that makes sense, actually. This one’s been soaking up all the mana-rich water it wanted from this mana-filled spring, after all. Of course it’d get huge.
“I figured maybe it turned into the dungeon’s gatekeeper or something…”
But apparently, Lisas has another theory.
“A boss?”
“You know, in big dungeons, there’s usually a strong monster guarding each floor?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Looks like Mishisia knows about it too. I see, so I’m the only one who didn’t. Weird—I’m supposed to be the main guy here.
“You didn’t know, Asuma-sama? Well… dungeons often have monsters that guard a specific floor. Especially the big ones.”
“Huh.”
Okay, I get the image. Like a floor boss, right? Not that I’d know firsthand—this dungeon’s just been all mazes and poison, nothing like that.
“After that battle with the Holy Knights, maybe your dungeon leveled up, Asuma-sama?”
“Hmm, I guess that could happen.”
Not that I feel any different personally, but I guess it’s possible—like gaining experience after beating an enemy. Maybe that’s what made the slime grow huge. Makes some kind of sense.
“If this giant slime stays in the dungeon, it might serve as a gatekeeper.”
“Yeah, but… wouldn’t it be kinda sad if it got beaten up?”
“… You’re right.”
Yeah. Exactly. That’s the thing.
No matter what made this slime grow, having it fight in the dungeon doesn’t sit right. It’s still a slime, after all. Even huge, it’s still a slime.
Sure, it can swallow and spit things out like it did to me, but it’s got zero agility and no real attack power… and if it got slashed or burned? Poor thing! It’s huge—it’d make an easy target!
“So then… maybe we just, um, keep it in the village?”
“Yeah. That works.”
… Well, whether it likes it or not, this massive slime’s part of the village now. It’s huge, so maybe we can plant something on it. Fruit trees, berry bushes… maybe a giant turnip…
Anyway, after meeting this enormous slime, I decide to fix up the spring properly again.
I mean, the big slime’s clogging it up, and the normal-sized slimes are getting in the way. See, they’re just wobbling around all over the place—ah, okay, maybe they’re not even bothered. Damn it, I don’t get slimes. Do they even think? I doubt it.
“Well, slimes aside—let’s talk about the Holy Knights.”
Right, slimes aside, we’ve gotta deal with the Holy Knights. That’s what I got up for. Given the situation, we can’t just ignore them.
“I already checked—they’re locked up in the jail.”
“… For some reason, they were all in their underwear, though. Did you have something to do with that, Asuma-sama?”
“Oh, yeah. While I was disarming them, I just standardized everyone to undies-only.”
Good. At least the disarming part worked. And apparently, their underwear’s still intact. I was a bit worried I might’ve accidentally dissolved those too.
So we headed over to the village jail to check it out. The adventurers on guard grinned and waved.
“Oh! Those guys? Edele-san’s talking to ‘em right now!”
Apparently, they volunteered to watch the prisoners. Good folks.
Alright, let’s see how it’s going inside…
“So that’s how it is. I plan to send letters to both the town church and the cathedral. That means they’ll know you failed your dungeon mission.”
“Don’t you dare—!”
Edele stands before the Holy Knights, speaking boldly. The knights are trying hard to look dignified, but they’re all in their underwear—no dignity to be found.
“As for your custody, we’ll wait for a response from them. Until then, please stay here.”
“Ridiculous! Why must we suffer this indignity!?”
“… After trying to burn down an innocent village? You can’t be serious.”
Yeah, no dignity left. Edele’s completely in charge here.
“Tell me, are you even real Holy Knights? You’re not wearing armor, after all… I’ve never seen the real ones’ faces, so who knows? Maybe the real Holy Knights are still in the dungeon?”
“Wh—what nonsense! We are the true—”
“Isn’t impersonating Church officials a serious crime?”
… There it is. Edele’s bluff lands perfectly—now they’re starting to realize their situation.
“… The merciful Church might vouch for you, if they believe you really are who you say. But then again, maybe it’d be better if I didn’t mention in my letter that you failed your dungeon mission?”
Exactly. Right now, their fate lies entirely in the hands of the Church’s reply—and Edele.
… And so—
“Yes, I’ve confirmed it. ‘We, the Holy Knights, hereby declare that Panis Village and the Panis Village Dungeon pose no danger and are not in defiance of the divine will. Therefore, our mission is concluded, and we shall return.’ With everyone’s signature, too… that should settle it.”
The underwear-clad Holy Knights are made to sign a full written report, every single one of them, right in front of Edele.
“You understand, of course, that this was written voluntarily, yes? Naturally. After all, noble Holy Knights wouldn’t find themselves in a situation where they were forced to write something, right?”
“Y-yeah… of course. We also promise never to interfere with this village or dungeon again. Just, uh, please… keep this quiet…”
“Of course. We’d hate for any more people to have misfortune befall them.”
So, thanks to Edele’s cunning, the knights apparently decided—
“Better to betray the Church before the Church betrays us.”
… Thus, the postwar cleanup wrapped up quite peacefully—or so it seemed.
“B-but, where are our swords and armor…?”
The Holy Knights finally spoke up.
“… You pawned them to help our poor village, didn’t you? We’re so grateful.”
“N-no, that won’t do! If we return without armor or swords, the Church will definitely investigate!”
“Well, that may be, but… what happens inside a dungeon isn’t our responsibility.”
… Yeah, fair point. Making them go home in their underwear was a bit of a blunder. Their armor’s basically their uniform—and a uniform’s a kind of ID.
Still, I couldn’t just leave them armed at the time. I had to disarm them completely before letting the adventurers handle them outside.
Technically, I could give their gear back. I can reconstruct it.
But… there’s no way to do that naturally!
I mean, armor and swords just appearing out of nowhere? That’s weird as hell!
What am I supposed to do, toss them out the dungeon entrance with a pew! sound? That’d just be creepy!
Damn it. Never thought I’d end up stuck worrying about how to return the Holy Knights’ swords and armor of all things.
Mishisia and Lisas both have that “ah, yeah” look. Understandable.
Maybe I could have Lisas say, “We found these deep in the dungeon!” But no—that’d draw suspicion, and I don’t want him being watched.
If only there were something—or someone—that could go into the dungeon, pick things up, and bring them back… something no one would question.
… Yeah. Got it.
Something that can collect items.
Something that can wander around the dungeon without raising eyebrows.
And, most importantly—something that can’t be questioned even if someone does ask, “Where did you find that!?”
Something that can’t talk back at all.
Perfect. That’s where that giant slime comes in. Got it.
What do you think about this chapter?
