Unavoidable, Alcohol (3)
So yeah. That guy—uh, that missionary? Monk? Whatever he was—the one the church sent ages ago, right around the time they tried sending in Holy Knights… yeah, “that” guy. Anyway, a churchman, that’s for sure. He’s out there at the dungeon reception, kicking up a fuss.
“What’s wrong with it, huh? There is a god in the dungeon!”
“Yeah! A cute god, too!”
… And all the adventurers and ex-adventurers around him are glaring hard. Real intimidation vibes. I mean, yeah, makes sense—they’re basically all half-thug anyway…
“There is but one true God! No god exists within a dungeon!”
“Nah, there totally is.”
“Yeah, there is. So just give it up already.”
The church guy’s trying his best, but the adventurers won’t budge an inch from their “There’s a god in the dungeon, man” stance.
“For those who behave in such a blasphemous manner, God shall not extend His hand of salvation!”
“Oh yeah? Fine by me. That so-called one true god who’s never once helped us is a lot less reliable than the dungeon god who actually does.”
“Exactly! How dare you show up now and tell us to believe again!?”
The threats aren’t working at all… Yeah, well, honestly, I’ve got a lot of thoughts about this.
If the church really can heal people, then the fact that folks like Princess Laperesiana, her knights, and all the adventurers here weren’t saved—it’s kind of neglect, isn’t it?
People naturally side with the ones who actually helped them. So yeah, I can’t really defend the Church here. When you abandon people, you can’t complain if they cut ties with you. You brought that on yourself. And if you’re gonna play that game where you say things like “We can’t bless you because you didn’t donate enough” or “We won’t heal you,” then, uh… that’s just bad management. Terrible.
So yeah—terrible management, no question about it!
Anyway, maybe the church guy lost his patience, because he raised his staff and shouted,
“This so-called shrine! This is beyond irreverent!”
But then—
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy! That shrine’s our handiwork!”
“Trying to smash it means you’re picking a fight with us, doesn’t it?”
“Hell yeah! Let’s do it! I’ll do it! I’ll do it, I’ll do it, I’ll do it!”
… And the Churchman quietly lowered his staff. Yeah, good call. Otherwise he’d get clobbered.
So, the guy slunk away in defeat. But the adventurers and ex-adventurers left behind started talking like, “Can’t have the Little God’s shrine getting wrecked,” and “Guess we should guard it, huh?”
“Uh, excuse me, mind if I say something?”
Since just standing there watching was getting awkward, I stepped forward—and immediately, everyone smiled.
“Oh, if it ain’t Asuma-sama! You been eatin’ well?”
“Yup, eating plenty! Feeling great!”
… This guy asks me that every single time he sees me—“You been eatin’?” He’s a good guy, though. Terrible-looking face, sure. Always licking a knife for some reason. I asked him why once, and he said, “Got honey on it.” I don’t get this guy at all.
“Sorry about the ruckus, Asuma-sama. Lately, we’ve just been hearin’ too many bad stories about folks like him…”
“Oh, really…”
I looked up at Lisas-san for confirmation, but he just gave me a “Haven’t left the village lately, so no clue” kind of look. Fair enough.
“We won’t let anyone wreck that shrine, alright? You can count on us!”
“Uh, I wasn’t really worried, but… thanks?”
… By the way, that shrine is supposed to be dedicated to me, right? Seriously?
Well, letting it get smashed would probably lead to chaos, so I decided to go with a peaceful method of protection.
“There. That’ll do it.”
“… It’s, uh, wrapped.”
Yup. I wrapped the whole shrine up thwump inside a huge slime. Now it’s totally protected. Nobody can mess with that shrine unless they move that big ol’ blob!
“H-Hey, Asuma-sama, if you do that, we can’t leave offerings anymore!”
“Just give them to the slime.”
“Yeah…? Guess that works…”
“An offering must be made, after all…”
… and so, on top of the huge slime snugly guarding the shrine, people started gently placing freshly harvested tomatoes and grapes.
The slime looked kinda annoyed, but hey, it’ll manage.
So yeah, after that, Lisas-san and I started our dungeon patrol as usual.
“… Think we can just leave that alone?”
“Hmm… hard to say. The Holy Knights won’t move on their own since we’ve got that contract, but… hmm.”
As we walked through the tunnels, I brought up the topic. After seeing that scene earlier, it’s hard not to worry.
“… There’s no denying it anymore. Faith in you, Asuma-sama, has clearly taken root here.”
“Yeah… huh? Wait, me? Definitely me?”
“Well, it’s the ‘Little God of the Dungeon’ they’re worshipping, so yeah—pretty sure that means you.”
Ah… right. Yeah, that tracks. Ughhhh, I really wish it hadn’t come to this, but if it’s gone that far, I can’t just pretend not to notice anymore!
“A village that worships something other than the one true god… yeah, the Church won’t take kindly to that. They could easily brand it a heretic settlement.”
“Aaaahhh that’s such a pain…”
So the Church could justify wiping out Panis Village under the banner of “purging heretics.” Great. Just great.
“Indeed. And… hmm, it could even affect Princess Laperesiana…”
“Why!? Why her!?”
“Well, Princess Laperesiana has already publicly stated that she’s fond of Panis Village, hasn’t she? So if it’s labeled a heretic village…”
Aaaaaahhhh! Even Princess Laperesiana could get dragged into this!? Of course she could! Dammit!
Man, religion—always causing trouble!
So, after wrapping up our dungeon patrol, we sold off the crystals, peridots, and some jade we’d collected at the reception. We also returned a bunch of lost adventurer gear that the giant slimes had “picked up and brought back” (totally not reconstructed by me).
“Well, we should probably report this to Her Highness.”
“Yeah… ughhh, I feel so bad! I’m so sorry, Princess Laperesianaaa!”
While Lisas-san started writing up the letter, I sidled over like, “If you’re sending that, can you tuck in a few of the new herbal tea bags?” You know, she’s been busy and all, and now she’s gotta deal with this headache—figured a little gift might help her relax.
So I bought some “New Product! Herbal Tea Grown by Slimes!” from the stall next to the reception.
They’re sold in thin hemp-fiber tea bags—“Just add hot water, no teapot needed!”—part of our dungeon goods line. But they’ve become really popular as souvenirs since they’re convenient and easy to buy one cup’s worth at a time.
Once Lisas-san sealed the letter, I stuffed in three tea bags. Perfect fit.
All that was left was finding an adventurer heading to the capital to deliver it. Of course, we’d only trust someone we knew personally—last thing we need is it getting stolen or read.
… While Lisas-san handled that, I brewed myself some tea with the leftover bags and freshly reconstructed hot water.
Even though it’s “herbal tea,” it’s mild and easy to drink. But me? I can’t stand fragrant drinks with no sweetness, so I added honey. I just can’t with unsweetened flavored tea. I can’t. It’s a crime against good taste.
“Oh my, young man, what are you drinking? That smells delightful.”
While I was enjoying my tea, a well-dressed lady approached me… Definitely a noblewoman here for the hot springs.
“This? It’s the tea they sell over there—with honey! Wanna try some?”
“My, may I?”
So I put on my cutest, friendliest smile. “Of course! Please, if you’re interested, take a look at the product yourself!” Heh heh.
I brewed another cup, added honey, and handed it over. She took a sip, smiled brightly, and said, “Oh my, this is delicious!” I smiled back. “Please buy some, ma’am!” I even started pitching the whole “innovative new tea bag invented right here!” thing.
“This would make a perfect souvenir. I’ll take everything you have.”
… Yup. Nobles are something else.
So yeah, I ended up massively boosting the stall’s sales by accident. Nobles, man. They’re incredible.
While I was at it, I also told her, “Have you decided on an inn? If not, there’s a room where Princess Laperesiana herself once stayed!” Her attendant immediately rushed off to book it. Amazing. Nobles, man.
… and while waiting for Lisas-san to finish, I even sold some “hot spring herb mix” to a nobleman passing by. “You’re here for therapeutic bathing, right? This’ll make a great souvenir!” Sold like crazy. Nobles are walking wallets.
By the time Lisas-san came back, I’d achieved enlightenment.
“… You know, maybe we don’t need to ask Princess Laperesiana for help after all.”
“Hm? What’s that, Asuma-sama?”
“If we just… get enough powerful people—rich folks, people with influence or armed strength—on our side, we’ll be fine, right?”
Yeah. I’d realized something big.
That noblewoman who bought the tea said, “What a lovely place. So relaxing, and my skin feels amazing after the hot spring—I’ll definitely come again!”
The nobleman who bought the bath mix said, “I was just staying here on business this time, but next time, I’ll bring my wife.”
Meanwhile, the adventurers passing through were saying things like, “Let’s find that legendary slime that healed Princess Laperesiana!”
Others were like, “Guess I’ll go earn some pocket money mining gems!”
And there were researchers muttering, “Surely this place is the nexus of cutting-edge magic and technology!”
“… Honestly, maybe we just need to make Panis Village a clean, thriving, prosperous place. That alone might solve everything.”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
See, I realized it—if enough influential people start saying, “Hey, don’t mess with that village; we need it,” then even the Church might get crushed by pressure from above.
What do you think about this chapter?
